Sometimes I wonder how these things happen to me. And I of course have no GOOD answer. But here is a recent and true tale that has happened to me. I had just finished watching "Moonrise Kingdom" with a friend at a local movie theater, and decided to hang out at the Barnes and Nobles cafe and read for a bit before saying goodbye. While my friend stepped away to go to the restroom, I got bombarded with this:
Woman: "Excuse me. My English isn't very good. It's not very good. I need help. Help to write a note for a friend. Can you help me?"
Me: "Um... sure. I'll help."
Woman: "Thank you, thank you. My English isn't good, and I need help finishing a note to my girlfriend."
--Now, when the woman mentioned "girlfriend" I literally thought she mean a girl that is her friend. I did not think that she literally meant her significant other type of girlfriend... DUMB ASS ASSUMPTION! I now internally realize, while walking over to her table that this "note" means a full on five page letter, and that this "note" is being written on her laptop... Holy frizzle. Let's continue...
Me: "What do you need help saying?"
Woman: "Well, my girlfriend is mad at me, and she says she cannot continue being my girlfriend with my lifestyle. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because....I have psychological problems and she doesn't want to deal with me anymore."
--HOLY FRIZZLE
Me: "Oooohhh. Well, do you need help with a particular sentence?"
--I also notice that she's wearing a Kaiser Permanente sweatshirt with the word, Volunteer underneath it. I start wondering how often she goes to Kaiser Permanente...
Woman: "Well, she won't let me let me let me let me let me let me. She won't let me stay at her house anymore. And she says she will not take me to this House Concert. But I don't care about concert. I care about about about about about. About seeing her."
--While I am reading what she has in her letter, which is full of apologies and reminding her girlfriend that she will get therapy and drugs for her psychological problems, her English is in fact not that bad. She writes English heck of a lot better than she speaks English...
Me: "Well, what you have so far sounds pretty good..."
Woman: "Have you ever broken up with a girlfriend?"
Me: "Um.. well, I have had a girl in my life that I was close with and now we don't talk anymore."
--NOW the lady starts rubbing my tricep...
Woman: "I'm so sorry sorry sorry. It's hard breaking up with a girlfriend."
--Now her voice raises ten octaves...
Woman: "HOW LONG DID YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?"
--Holy frizzle. This is why I regret not correcting this lady before. When I said "girlfriend", I of course meant girl friend, not girlfriend. But now since she might go bat-shit cray cray on me, I feel that it's better for me to be homosexual than to prolong this conversation.
In the mean time, every single person within a gooood radius of B&N has now whipped their head around and is staring at me and my new friend...
Me: "Um... we were together for three years. But I haven't talked to her in a year."
Woman: (still with the ultra high and loud voice) "WELL BREAK-UPS ARE HARD, BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE A A A A A A A A A LESSSSSBIAANNN WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS!!!"
She is still rubbing my tricep...
Me: "Yeah.....your letter looks great. I'll see you later!"
--I start speed walking in the opposite direction, towards the escalator. I then see my friend standing nearby.
My friend: "Who was that?"
Me: "A lesbian who made me a lesbian. She needed help with a letter."
My friend: "WHATTT?"
Me: "I'll explain when we are out of this joint..."
classic and completely true.
