psycho-stripper

So in my quest to put myself out there and meet single men, I have joined OkCupid.  No shame.  Whatever.  I work all the time.  I am around mostly women.  Either the men in my life are just friends, married, taken, co-workers or bosses in which all of the above are inappropriate.  So I need to put myself out there to meet eligible gentlemen.

Well, the words "eligible" and "gentlemen" hardly describe the male-species I am about to explain.

I had emailed with this dude who seemed pretty nice and conversational.  In fact, he called me before our date, which I appreciated.  It definitely eased the tension of meeting a total stranger in person, if you had already talked to the person on the phone.

So all was good in my book, I was willing to meet this guy, let's call him Joe.

Well  Joe was a G.D. liar...

Joe's pictures online were modest.  He was attractive, but not like a model, which I prefer.  A normal real person, please?

So it's the day of the date, and I see him waiting for me outside.  In person, this dude was about 50 pounds heavier than the pictures online.  He also was wearing glasses in his pictures, and none were to be found in person.

So I see him and think "wow, he's such a liar."  Ok.  Sorry.  Ladies and gents, I am sure we try to pick the most flattering pictures of ourselves with good lighting, your favorite shirt, makeup on and hair done, etc.  Things like that are normal.  But weight is a serious thing.  I am all about people doing whatever makes them happy.  But you shouldn't put yourself out there looking completely different than you do currently.  It's false advertising!  I recently switched up pictures because I wanted them to be the most current as possible, so nobody could accuse me of false advertising.

But not wanting to be a total (GDB - Community reference) I see him waiting for me outside the park where we decided to meet up, and to just suck it up and go with it.  Maybe we can be friends.  We are walking in the park starting to spark the conversation a bit, and here's how it went:

Joe:  Can you stand on this side of me?
(long pause....)
Me:  Umm... is this side not very good for youuuu?
Joe:   Well, I have a crick in my neck and it's hard to turn my neck this way.
Me:  Oh, ok.  (I then shift to his left side)  What did you do to your neck?
Joe:  Well, this morning my phone rang and I reached over to get it when I was in bed this morning, and it made a loud pop sound, and now it hurts.
Me:  Well that's lame you should call the person back, telling them it's their fault your neck hurts.
(small laughter, only coming from me.  long pause....)  Well, who called you so early in the morning?
Joe:  Oh, it was my mom.

And I am sorry.  Don't bring up your MOTHER in the first few minutes of our conversation.

Me:  Oh, are you a mama's boy?  (clearly a joke)
Joe:  Yeah I would say I am a mama's boy.  She's the first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to before I go to bed.

MOMMY COMPLEX.  RUN AWAY.  RUN AWAY.  RED FLAG RED FLAG!  OR WHITE FLAG - TIME TO SURRENDER!  EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

What actually comes out of my mouth is "Oh."

I don't remember what was said next, but we eventually get to a particularly sunny side of the park, and he asks if I want to sit down.  He had brought a blanket and wine and decided to set up camp.  I told him I wasn't too much of a drinker, but that I would have a little.  A little literally meant maybe an inch or two of wine in a plastic red cup he brought.  (college party tricks much?)

So being the observer that I am, I also see in his timbuktu messenger bag, a razor, a candle, the blanket and wine, cups, a toothbrush and some clothes.  Next thing that goes through my head is that, THIS GUY LIVES IN THE GD PARK.  Or...he lives in his car.  And why the candle?  


So now at this point, he's shaking out the blanket and laying it down on the grass, pouring us wine.  Mind you, like I said, I had an inch or two of red wine.  He had the rest of the GD bottle.  Uhhhh what?

Then he starts taking off his shoes, socks, TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT, and then laid down on the blanket.

Joe:  Why don't you join me here?  (Showing his armpit area as a nice place to come over...)


I DON'T THINK SO JACKASS.  YOU PROBABLY SMELL LIKE STINKY BODY SPRAY.  

Me:  I'm good over here.  I think I'm good over here.

Mind you he has graying chest hair, and his belly is billowing over his pants.  Oh yeah, and his calvin klein tight underwear is sticking out as well.  Nice.  


Time finally passes, and he decides to put his clothes back on and we start heading towards the exit.  He then asks me if I have ever been close to getting married.  And that took me way off guard.   But I decide to be honest.

Me:  Well, I was given a ring and there was a proposal but there was no engagement.  And I've never been married.

Joe:  Oh, so you're afraid of commitment.

Me:  No...it just didn't work out.  He wasn't a good guy in the end.

Joe:  Oh, so you tend to date the wrong guys then...

Well you have a point there, Joe.  Look at you!  You live out of a timbuktu bag and have a mommy complex, you strip in public, you drank a bottle of wine half naked in front of children.  You're right - I do date the wrong guys.  But thank god, I only spent 45 minutes with you, you pycho-stripper.


Me:  You know what, I am going to go.

Joe:  You want a ride home?

Me:   No, I'm good.  I would rather walk.

HOLY HELL.