The Dividing Line, part two

Where did I leave off?  Part 1 - Quick recap.

Date with Frank.  Met at wine bar.  He doesn't drink, in AA.  Had flirty eyes back and forth.  Decide to ride his motorcycle to nearby museum.  Hold hands.  Walk around.  Kissy kissy time in the park, and not caring if children are nearby.  Decide it's time to call it a night.  Gives me a ride back to my car.  Kiss goodnight.  Franks asks me out for a date asap.  I tell him I'm free Friday.  He says cool  Au revoir.

The Diving Line, Part 2 

Frank and I had been texting throughout the week saying how nice it was to meet each other, and that we are looking forward to Friday yada yada yada.  How are you?  How's work?  Things like that.  On Thursday he texted me asking what time I was off of work.  I said 6pm.  He said that he would pick me up near my work, and that he would take me out for a surprise.  He also texted:  "what's your favorite flower?  And I am asking this for no particular reason...  ;)"  So in MY mind, I think holy jesus I am getting flowers.  I hardly ever get flowers, woo!  

Think again, mon amie.

I then hear from him on Friday, asking me if I could pick him up from his place and then we will ride over together.  Kind of annoyed by this (solely because he was supposed to pick me up, like he said)....I decided to just brush it off as "whatever" and go with the flow.  While I am sitting in traffic getting to his place, I had to wait for his ass for 20 minutes because "he needed to shower and get some things together."  Really, Frank?  Really?  Not only does he come out 25 minutes late, but no flowers, and now I am apparently the chaperone for the evening.

He basically plays the role of TomTom or mapquest, telling me which way to turn.  Apparently the "surprise" was going to the beach.  Which was fine....but I was expecting maybe dinner?  Snacks?  Something food related because by this time it's nearing 8pm and I didn't eat dinner and I am HUNGRY.  And what happens when girls are starving?  Crankiness.  Crankiness up the ass, to where you just want to give us reese's pieces and call this place adieu.  We are like bears who hasn't caught a delicious srumdiddlyumptious trout in four days.  It's not a good scenario.

So while my tummy is rumbling and bumbling....I park the car, and we walk down the literal 100 steps to the beach.  When we finally arrive to the beach, there is this small inlet where the ocean is coming toward the shore, but it's in a very narrow skinny line.  It just struck me and I stopped to look at it, since the water wasn't overflowing on either side.  Frank notices me looking at the inlet and says "this is the dividing line."  And I said "what do you mean?  Is it more dangerous on this side?"  He said "No."  

Not really getting an answer, I decide to veer left, and he says "no, we are going this way."  So I correctly steer myself to the right, and I am not thinking much of that.

Boy was I in for it...

We decide to park ourselves on some "comfy" rocks.  This really means, rocks that aren't poking you on the ass as much, and it's quasi-flat.  So we are cuddling up on the rocks talking about the sunset and the birds and enjoying our outdoor space, and before I know it we are making out again.  And in the meantime, he starts unbuckling his pants.

Now call me crazy, but I did not see that coming.  So I asked "what are you doing?"  He replies a question with a question:  "Can I see you in your birthday suit?"

(now mind you, my birthday had just passed.... this "date" was supposed to be a birthday present....)

I quickly reply with an awkward 

SG:  "haha...but no" and then I said, thinking that this would definitely shoot him down "Plus, it wouldn't be happening here on this rock," to which he replies 

Frank:  "Well, I share a room with someone and we aren't allowed to have overnight guests, and I am used to have sex outdoors.  Also, I don't wear condoms.  I can't get off wearing them."  

At this point I am feeling that I really need an adult, and I am looking around the beach praying to lord baby jesus that there is a cop, a bum, or even a pelican at this point to help relieve me from this torture. 

So instead of feeling tortured, I decide to torture him back.  

SarcasticalGirl:  "You can't get off wearing condoms?  Why?  Well, I guess it doesn't matter...if I am with someone, I require the guy to wear one."

Frank:  "Aren't you on birth control?"

SG:  "Ever heard of STDs?"

Frank:  "Well I am clean..."

SG:  "Well, I would need proof of that too."

Frank:  "Well I don't wear condoms, so I guess you will have to make a decision about whether or not you can have sex with me."

SG:  "What did you mean when you said 'the dividing line?'"

Frank:  "Oh, the left side of the beach is normal, and this side of the beach is clothing optional."

He brought me to a nude beach?!  I could have killed him.

While he's saying this he is putting his pants back on (thank god) and I start running for the 100 steps back up to where my car is.  I have to give the poor a**hole a ride home, we carpooled and even though he is legitimately wrong and stupid, I cannot maroon him on the beach at 10pm in pitch dark with no ride home about 40 minutes away.

So I give Frank a ride home and he gives me a kiss on the cheek and says "call me when you're ready."

I deleted his phone number the minute he walked to is front door.  

Good god, please help the men in California...