Was that you?

So I am an avid listener to a radio podcast that is called: "Sarah and Vinnie's Secret Show Podcast."  You can find it on iTunes, or google your little heart out and find it.  There are several regulars on the podcast and they are hilarious.  They have a good chemistry and witty banter that I love.  "It's not for work, it's not for kids, but it is fun" is something they remind their listeners of.  So don't listen if you're under 18!

Anywho, sex is a common topic on the show.  Sarah and Vinnie were talking about how people need to loosen up about their sex life, and to remember that this is FUN.  So switch it up, try new things, and don't get in a routine.  Enjoy yourself!  And yes, you can trip on your underwear while stripping, or it takes 10 minutes to open that condom wrapper - whatever.  Just try to laugh when stupid things happen, and don't get embarrassed!  And I have to agree.  I am a straight 20 something chick and let me tell you... MEN:  there is nothing worse than having no confidence and being insecure during sex.  At least, it's not for me.

So me and my man, Sam, were at it one rainy afternoon.  A nice rainy day activity I will have you know.  :)  I had just finished up listening to the podcast, and so hearing Vinnie say have fun and just laugh was fresh in my mind.

Let me divert for a moment.  My back door is closed.  Forever.  There is no action going on back there.  Go ahead, slap it or grab it I don't care.  But that door is shut, end of story, caput.  Now let's get back to the story.

I was on my hands and knees, and Sam was getting me from behind.  And NOT in my behind, just FROM behind.  We were both having a good time, and low and behold...mother nature loves to mess with me sometimes...I queefed.  I know.  Not entirely too sexy, I know.  But I can't control it!

But I heard Vinnie's voice in my head saying "loosen up, and laugh it off" so I thought to myself:  ok, no need to panic - whatever.  So what?  It wasn't that loud, and clearly Sam isn't climbing away in disgust.  Get over it!  Make a joke out of it!  So I then say:

Me:  Sam, was that you?
Sam:  what?  where?

In the meantime, Sam is looking around the room like we are in a mystery novel trying to find the lost treasure.

Sam:  What?  Did the doorbell ring?

Sam then starts slapping the alarm like there is a fly on top.  I am DYING of laughter.  The bastard didn't even realize what the hell had happened.  Maybe men go deaf or have selective hearing during sex.  Jesus, there was no need to worry.

At this point I have to tell him I need a time out, and I fall on my stomach on the bed and just go into hyena-type laughter.  Wow.  Who knew that a queef could be so funny?

I told this to a girlfriend of mine over lunch one day, and she insisted that I tell some of our other girlfriends over a Bachelorette Party weekend we were both attending.  Now I know I am verbally open about my sex life, but some of the other girls I wasn't too sure about.  Some of my ladies are more private, which I respect.

Well, come the bachelorette weekend, my friend reminded me it was time to 'fess up and tell the story.  I got a little shy, but then was threatened with "you can't drink until you tell the story."  No drinks?  Screw that, I was there to party.  So I then did a play-by-play with the positions on a lawn chair, poolside at our hotel.  Go big or go home I guess.

Sam is much more private and modest about sex than I am (he's missing out) but I am pretty sure he would be HORRIFIED if he knew I was telling now the internet universe about my tales, specifically this one.  (I'm not sorry, but that's OK).